Here they come again. My Mears. Daily they sneak up on me from nowhere. This morning I woke up cozy with my little dog snuggled against me, until I realized I was home. Not still in Alabama with one of my daughters where I was just yesterday. I took a breath, wiped away my Mears, pulled myself together, made the bed, and went downstairs to the empty kitchen. But then I saw my suitcase sitting there, still not unpacked, and again, my Mears.
Mears are what I call my mom tears. The tears that come out of nowhere when I least expect them, pretty much every day. Tears that I cannot identify with an accurate emotional moniker, because I cannot even identify the emotion. It is not really sadness. It definitely is not anger. It is not heartbreak. Or, maybe it is, just a little? You see, I don’t want anything to be different than it is right now, I really don’t. But maybe my Mears are caused by my missing what was? Nostalgia? I try over and over to describe these tears but I can’t. So, they are now Mears. Because mom tears cannot be described. They just are what they are. And they are all.the.time.
Ok, maybe not all the time. But at least a few times a day because something always happens that makes me miss my daughters, remind me of my daughters, or just simply think about my daughters. Like the other day, I was at the grocery store shopping happily until out of habit I pulled a yogurt off the shelf and almost put it into my cart. And then I realized that the daughter that likes that yogurt flavor, is not living at home. And…… (drumroll here), my Mears! In the middle of the store.
I guess the bottom line is that I am missing my daughters. Missing the joys, the hugs, the laughter they give me. One of them is even still living here, a senior in high school, but she too, causes my Mears because she’s rarely home, out doing the things she should be doing. But, the other day I was braiding her hair for her before basketball game chatting happily, and then when she left, my Mears! WHY? Well, because as I watched her walk out the door I thought about the fact that next year I won’t be able to braid her hair for her before basketball, because she will not be here.
And then, well, then my Mears just poured because I started thinking about how soon all three of my girls will be out of state. And, I realize, I will be in a different state too. I won’t be in a different state physically, but emotionally, I will be. The state of an empty nester. And I am so not ready. That state is so not on my map.
As all of you know, I am very spiritual. I talk to God and my Guardian Angel daily. Heck, part of my job is counseling others to do the same. I tell clients to enjoy every day, to treasure unexpected blessings, to live for each moment. And I try, I try so hard to practice what I preach, but these dang Mears just seem to pop up all the time and thwart my efforts. I envision them as little blue creatures with little popping eyes. But they aren’t evil. They have a pink heart in the center of their chest beating for me, loving me. Telling me, “It’s ok, we are here for you.”
My Mears are telling me, “Good job mamma!” They say, “We are here because you love your kids and they love you.”
And it is true. If I didn’t have such an amazing relationship with each of my daughters, if I didn’t love them so very much, (maybe too much), I wouldn’t have my Mears. They wouldn’t visit me. But, instead my Mears have moved in. Permanent guests that have taken up residence. I don’t resent my Mears. They are nice, loving, supportive reminders of how lucky I am, even if they make my face wet and my nose runny.
“Yay Mom, yay! You’ve got this!” they say. “Look at those amazing girls of yours! Woo hoo! Rah Rah!”
And I do, I’ve got this. Because I remember too, that my Mears come with tremendous pride. My Mears come with tremendous love. I want my daughters to be exactly where they are. I want them to spread their wings. I want them to be away from me and become their very best selves. I do. In my heart I do. I want them to fly as high as they can on their life journeys, and even if I cannot be with them physically, I am always with them, even if it means My Mears are accompanying me.
So, this morning, I wipe away my Mears for now, and take a deep, deep breath. Grateful I was in Alabama with one of my girls just yesterday. Grateful I will see another tonight for dinner. And grateful I will be with another in two weeks. And overall, just so incredibly grateful that I have three daughters that I love so incredibly much that my Mears do come. All.the.time.
Blessings and love,
Find Your Wings©️
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